Episode 14: How To Start Ditching People-Pleasing and Perfectionism

I'm here to help you live a life that energizes you from within. Part of that is finding the nutrition and exercise that you actually love, but you could be eating the perfect food and working out regularly and still feel totally drained. People-pleasing and perfectionism will suck the energy right out of you! The good news is, the more you ditch those tendencies, the more you're going to uncover truly epic energy from within. People-pleasing and perfectionism were things I struggled with for A LONG time. In this episode, I share how to start breaking free from those habits so that you can really get to know who YOU are.

Music: “Play Thing” by Ketsa
From Free Music Archive

Disclaimer: The information provided in this podcast is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as medical, mental health, or professional advice. I am a certified health and life coach, not a licensed medical or mental health professional. Please consult with a healthcare provider before making any changes to your physical or mental health routines. If you are experiencing a crisis, seek help from a qualified professional or contact emergency services.

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To learn more about my approach and the programs and free resources available to support you, visit my website: www.lifeboost.today

I love to hear from you. You can always reach me at amelia@lifeboost.today.

Transcript

0:01

Hey life booster. This is Dr. Amelia health coach and veterinarian here to help you ditch yo-yo dieting people, pleasing and perfectionism by breaking the norm and living a life that energizes you from within. And let's talk about that whole living a life that energizes you from within. That is everything. That's what helps you to be resilient when life feels a little bit hard and that's what makes a healthy lifestyle sustainable and something that you want to continue to do, because that's what helps life to feel easier. And. Diet and the way that you're treating your body, you know, the things that you're putting in your body are a very big part of that. The food that you eat has such an incredible influence on the way that you feel in your body and the cravings and the way that you're feeling in control. But that's just one piece of the puzzle. And even if you are eating. Perfectly for your body and you found an awesome workout routine for your body. If you're not addressing what's going on in that head of yours, you could still feel really exhausted and you could be having a really hard time finding that whole feeling energized from within because life can be draining. And I have been, I've spent, um, years reflecting on kind of what got me to that point where I was just completely burnt out and unhappy as a vet. And even though at that point, I felt like I was really feeling my body in a good way. And I was working out, I was really missing, such a big component, that mental component that was influencing everything. And yesterday, just during a walk, I was really reflecting how much things have changed because yesterday, um, even though it was a Saturday, like I had stayed up late Friday night. And then I like automatically woke up at like six in the morning. And so I had only had like five and a half hours of sleep. And I also am doing this thing where I'm not having caffeine every morning. And so I didn't have any coffee and I didn't have any sleep. And yet, wow. I was like crazy energized all day yesterday and like a super good mood. And it was a great day. and it ended up being really productive. And I was just reflecting on like why. And I am at a great place where I am feeling my body in a good way and moving it. But really the thing that is different is what's going on in my mind. And I really feel like I've done so much work and letting go of perfectionism and people pleasing. And it's something I'm constantly, you know, calling myself out on and working on. But I had had. Um, several days of doing a really good job, especially at ditching the perfectionism. And I really think that that's why I was having just like an off the charts energy day. And A really big piece of getting to this point has been recognizing what was setting me up to fail in the past and what patterns I had created and like what thoughts I had about myself that were keeping me in a cycle that felt like. That was just my reality and it wasn't something that I could escape. So vet school, it messed me up, um, in a lot of ways. And I am grateful now that I did that, but, I think it was, it all started being. Because at the age of six, like so early on, I decided that that was the path that was really important to me. And that, that was a goal that I wanted because very early on, I knew that that school was very competitive to get into. And it was really important that I get great grades. So like even before high school, like I remember even in first grade, Really caring about doing a great job at my grades. And that definitely set me up to be a people pleaser and perfectionist, because. From the very beginning. I knew it was really important for me to be like a good student to not get into trouble. I couldn't blow off homework or, you know, I didn't have a lot of free time because I was always really focused. Like I was worried that one bad grade, even before high school, sadly, that one bad grade would, would mean that maybe my dream wouldn't come true. Um, As a student, a big part of that is people pleasing because you needed the teacher to approve and you want adults to approve of what you're doing because as a child, that is kind of the way that you see success. If adults don't approve of what you're doing, then that's being quote unquote bad. And I even remember, like, this is like ingrained in my brain. So it clearly was a traumatic experience, even though it probably wouldn't be that big of a deal for so many students of like, and first grade I, I had forgotten my pencil. The whole class was like working on something like quietly working. And so like I mustered up, like I was a very shy child and so I mustered up the courage to like go up to my teacher who was at her desk and she was working with another student and I hated speaking up, but like, I didn't have the ability to work cause I didn't have a pencil. So I, um, kind of interrupted. Just to ask her. And she was really mad at me and told me to go put my name on the board. And my, I just. Melt it that was ever, that was the absolute worst thing that could happen. I remember that long, long walk up to the front of the class to write my name on the board. And I was absolutely devastated and that had a huge impact on me. Like absolutely never wanting to like interrupt somebody and not wanting to like speak out of turn and being afraid to, just like speak up for myself. So. It's amazing how little things just kind of mess you up for a long, long time. But all of that, just like all of these little things that happened when I was small or younger, I'm still not a very big person. Um, were very deeply ingrained in me, ingrained in me. And I didn't even realize how much. That was holding me back from actually being my authentic self and how much energy that was draining from me. And it really wasn't until a few years ago that I really started to have this incredibly eyeopening journey of realizing, okay. The person that I was, that was like always wanting others around me to like approve or like just always focused on making sure others around me were happy. Um, and always needing to be doing everything to like the best of my ability that, that actually like down at the core, that wasn't who I was. I, I didn't realize that. And so that. Really been the biggest thing that has totally transformed my life. Absolutely understanding how to fuel my body in a good way and healing my relationship with food that has been a critical piece too. But this whole, all of these mindset changes have really just taken it to the next level for sure. And so I just want to just share with you some of the things that have helped me because I have a feeling. If you're listening to this podcast on some level, you do relate to the whole people pleasing and perfectionism. I think so many of us struggle with that. And so I want to share some of the things that have made a really big difference for. Number one was just the awareness that this was even happening. I don't think I was even aware of the phrase people pleasing for a long time. And I just thought that that was kind of the way that I was. So first it was just like, recognizing that when I was. Just like smiling, even though I really was thinking like completely different thoughts or like when I was saying yes, even though like, I really, really didn't want to, Or like when I was catering to people who maybe weren't even being very respectful to me that that was people pleasing. And once I started recognizing that, that really wasn't serving me in those times. Um, and that, that was a lot of the times when boundaries were needing to be established. And I even like, started to become aware of the need to have boundaries. That was a really important first step, because then I was able to start just calling out or making note of when those were happening. And then I'd reflect on them later. And then finally I would start to practice little bits of resisting it. So it would be enough that I could see, oh, I'm having the urge to people, please. And then to be able to think about a different way that I could do it differently. And so originally that started with being aware that it was happening making no. And then later reflecting on how I would have rathered reacted in that situation and how I would rather have said it that way. The next time I could start to recognize it and say what I wished that I had said. And it also meant starting to be mindful of where I did. Better boundaries and slowly starting to get the courage of sticking up for those in little ways and gradually bigger ways. That was a huge, important step for me. And that definitely wasn't easy and it has, it continues to be something that I practice. Absolutely. Another big piece for me was even like, just getting to know who I really was because I realized that I was so hyper-focused always. Other people, and like getting praise from them or surveying everyone. If I decision had to be made, I wanted to get everybody's opinion or if I did something, I wanted everybody else to check it before, like I send it out into the real world. I didn't realize how much I relied on other people to influence the way that I experienced life. And then another big component was just getting to know myself. I really didn't realize how much I relied on others and how much others were influencing, the way that I viewed myself. I'll try to explain a little bit, so I would have a very hard time making decisions on anything, like, what did I want to do? Or what should I do if I had two options or a path, or even like, if I was buying something and. That I realized as, because I was always relying on others' opinions. For example, I was worried, like if I made a decision and others didn't think that that was the right one, or they didn't approve of it, then that would be terrible. So, I. Would always just like survey everybody else. If I needed to make an opinion. Like I wanted to get everybody else's thoughts on like what I should do. Or if we're in a group and people were wanting to know like what we should do, I would just be like, oh, I'll do it. Everybody else wants to do. Like, I didn't want to be a burden or get in the way or say something that others didn't want to do. And then even if I had to buy something, you know, then my money mindset was also creeping in. Like I didn't wanna make the wrong decision. So I would just have to like research all the options to make sure that I wasn't making the wrong decision. Even though, then that would ultimately. Be like, decision paralysis and that would have like too much information and it would still be challenging. So all of those things are just totally holding me back. Like I wasn't even letting myself know, like, what were my opinions? What did I want to do? And that has been a big piece of really just starting to. Be aware of the way that I operate and getting to know, like, if I wasn't worried about what others were thinking and how others were perceiving me, then what do I want to do? And a helpful thing for me has been really working and it would be episode one, my authentic code, like really figuring out what my core values really. And R and Eva, and if you're really struggling to, if you, if you can relate to this on some level and you're like, Hmm, maybe I'm not so sure who I am right now. I think some of the personality quizzes can even be a great place to start, like, finding out your Myers-Briggs or Enneagram, um, because that's a way of. Answering the questions, and then you kind of are reading about yourself. And so that helps you to kind of like step back a little bit, and then you can kind of reflect on, oh yeah, I can really relate to this. This does sound like me. And also just being aware of like, what are the things that bring you joy during the day and, and just like starting to get to know yourself. It's a really fun process. I do think that the more you're aware of some of the traits that are maybe holding you back and even some of those personality tests may be helpful in bringing those to light. If you're not aware of it, then the more you can start to just be reflecting on your childhood and getting curious about where those maybe originated it can be a really fascinating and eye opening. Journey digging deep and that will change your life. It all comes back to that curiosity instead of judgment, I promise. And then another major piece for me has been. Just really calling out my perfectionism and realizing how much it was holding me back and draining my energy and making everything take so fricking long When you are just like caught up in that perfectionism, it feels. So important, like everything, the end project and like little thing that you want to do, it feels like truly it has to be done to the level, uh, to your standards. And those standards are, are striving for that perfection, but that ends up really making everything takes so much longer than it has to. And for me, it has. Slowly starting to recognize every time that that's happening. So if I am God getting caught up in our project and it's taking so much longer than I thought it would, I have now at that point where I'm like, okay, perfectionism is showing up and this is unnecessary. And I need to like take a time out or I need to reevaluate this, or at least need to add. Why is this taking a lot longer? And I need to see if perfectionism and creeping up in a way that is not actually helpful with Michael's one huge question that is changing. Everything for me is asking, how am I making my life harder than it has. I am doing that constantly now day to day. And then with my weeks, because every Sunday I look at my schedule. I look at my goals. I kind of map out which days I'm going to be doing things. And if I'm feeling overwhelmed just doing that, then that's a sign that I need to be checking in and saying, how am I making my life harder than it has to be? Like, how can I reimagine this and re. I think this in a way that's not going to make me feel totally overwhelmed. So, if you struggle with perfectionism, I really encouraged you to just be mindful of like, is this really necessary? And if it is feeling very necessary, I want you to ask why, and if that, why is related to your. I need to be making others perceive you in a certain way. I want you to get really curious about that. If you're wanting to do this, to impress others, why, and try to dig deep into like where that's coming from. Because a lot of the time it's rooted in a fear. And for me, a lot of that was a fear of. Failing or fear that then I wouldn't be successful and then I wouldn't achieve my goals. And so the more that you can be noticing this, the more you can start slowly resisting the times when you want to be a perfectionist. because you're going to be able to show your nervous system that you're actually going to survive and it's actually going to be okay. And. That is helpful. You need to retrain your nervous system. So every time you are resisting people pleasing or you're resisting that urge to do something absolutely perfectly, your nervous system is going to make that feel crazy uncomfortable. And you're going to have to do it anyways, because you're going to need to be reprogramming your brain and proving to. Your body and your nervous system that it's okay. Even though it feels like you're being threatened by putting yourself out there in that way you are going to survive and you're going to be okay. And that is also going to help you to become really resilient. And the magical thing that happens is that when you start to set up. Boundaries for yourself and you stop letting things take an eternity and you start getting to know yourself. You are going to be so much more productive and free and happy, and that just is going to give. So much energy. And the big thing is that it is Energy is coming from within because you're no longer focused on the way others are perceiving you. You're not getting weighed down by all the things you think you should be doing. You're not being just wasting energy worrying about what others are thinking about you. That is insanely liberating. And I've been able to put this into practice and lately I've been just getting so much done and yet I'm doing it in a way that feels very freeing because I'm taking away the should. And I'm giving myself the space and boundaries to also be taking care of my body and not always feeling like I need to be doing something. And it feels like. So that's what I want more than anything. And that's why I have this podcast. That's why I health coach. That's what I do. And I do because I have been through this journey of knowing what's possible. I want this transformation possible for you too. So I hope that you can put some of these into practice. Even number one is just starting to be aware if maybe you are a people pleaser or perfectionist and then go from there. And if this resonates with you and you're really interested in going on that really life amazing life-changing journey of finding the foods that work for you and addressing. How to be kind to your body and really digging deep onto what's been holding you back in your brain, then please send me a DM. Cause we can always have a free 30 minute call just to chat about what that would be like. Cheers to your health, happiness, and success by.